I am homesick. Its a lonely world for a wayward girl running away from her problems. I am restless, I need to keep moving. When I stop for too long it really hits home that I have no idea what I am doing, no idea where I am going, how incredibly lonely I am. I love this place that I am in, the beach is beautiful and the trees smell so lovely, but I have realized that this is not how I want to spend my summer, looking after this yoga retreat. It would be so perfect if there were others around who were just a little bit like me, interested in living a healthy and spiritual life. As great as the other staff members are here, it is still Ibiza and the club scene dominates all else.
I dont know if I want to get back onto boats, I dont know if I want to stay in Europe, I dont know if I want to go back to the States... I dont know much, other than just existing is not good enough for me right now, I need a spark, something to really inspire me again. It is the grass/otherside thing again, I need to find peace and contentment within myself but it is so much more difficult than I had thought. I love myself, but I am alone in the world.
I have never had such an emotional few months, and I am so wanting to just be OK again, to be able to sit quietly somewhere and not have a constant stream of thoughts about my past and what I would have done differently; thoughts of him and her, and how I am the one alone. This end, its like nothing I have ever felt before. Everything is over, done, I no longer have that calming, protective presence around all the time. The lover, best friend, partner... its all gone and all that is left this little bit of myself that I dont recognize. I put my entire self into my relationship with him and the rejection, instead of getting easier to deal with over time, is sharpening, hurting deeper down after the initial shock has worn off, hurting in places I never expected. Now I am realizing that not only is he gone, along with the whole life I was living, but I am really, truly on my own.
Every day is different. Some days that thought makes me smile and I get excited thinking about how strong of a woman this is making me, how I will do all the things I want in life without anyone to hold me back. But some days I think back on how safe I felt in his arms.
The silver lining on today's cloud is the fact that I am still only a baby in the world. Twenty three years old and I was madly in love with my dream man for a few years, I learned so much, grew so much, and loved loved loved so much! If I can feel the amazing things that I felt with him when I was so young, I can feel it all again. I will fall in love again someday, all will be ok. Everything is going to be fine.
